


There is a line, I'll meet you at the end of it

by mostlikelydefinentlymad



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: 1940s, M/M, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers POV, Stucky - Freeform, the aftermath of buckys fall
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-08
Updated: 2015-09-08
Packaged: 2018-04-19 18:01:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4755878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mostlikelydefinentlymad/pseuds/mostlikelydefinentlymad
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two fates wove together in the aftermath of a tragic incident - two lives lost to the icy waters. One by choice, one by accident.</p><p>It was Romeo drinking the poison after he thought his fair Juliet died because he couldn't bare to face this life without her by his side. </p><p>It was poetry, fate and death all wrapped up in a pretty package with both their names on it.</p><p>What if Steve had fallen instead? http://archiveofourown.org/works/4759148</p>
            </blockquote>





	There is a line, I'll meet you at the end of it

"Bucky! Take my hand!," Steve clings to the side of a speeding train with snow and icy wind swirling around the two of them but it's never enough.

Bucky removes one hand from the rail and reaches toward him - a look of sheer terror on his face and hes gone. What they do not tell you about falling is how the freezing wind pushes you down faster than you can fight back, how your lungs burn for oxygen, how your heart speeds up until you're sure _that's_ what's going to kill you, how your palms sweat despite the cold, how your stomach revolts and your last meal is rising to the surface, how earth shattering it is when he gets further and further away.

No. Nor do they tell you how it feels to be left behind, to clutch a freezing railing and frantically dart your eyes from one snowy mountain top to another because he can't be gone - he just _can't,_ they do not tell you that the urge to follow him will nearly rip your chest in two but you will resist because that's what he would want and someone has to avenge his death.

This was not in your training and even if it were it still wouldn't remove the lump in your throat, the sick feeling in your gut, the primal need to kill.

Steve carefully steps back into the train and scoffs - is there even a point in being careful anymore? He is alone with his thoughts and they're a disease, a movie reel repeating Bucky's death over and over until he wants to curl up in a corner and join him. The jagged hole in the side of the train is an ever present reminder of what he lost, of what he'll never get back. His body aches all over and his mouth is too thick, his tongue too dry and clumsy to call out Bucky's name - he wants to scream it at the top of his lungs. He cannot control the sobs and the gut wrenching screams that bottle up inside of him and spill out onto his lips. It's an animalistic cry that rips through him with every minute, every second that Bucky is gone.

There is no one to comfort him - not this time. There is no warm hand gently squeezing his shoulder and making promises. There is no peace for the haunted.

Steve tucks himself into a corner like he used to when he was scared as a child and his mother would scoop him up, brush back messy bangs and tell him it's going to be okay. How wrong she was.

The train screeches to a stop around a snowy path and Gabe frantically makes his way back to Steve - he saw everything and could do nothing. Zola is subdued in the cockpit and there is time now - time to fall apart and let somebody catch him for once.

"Steve? I need you to breathe okay?," Gabe's body is shaking with anger and pain as he gently holds onto both of Steve's shoulders and looks into eyes that are watery and bloodshot. It is all Steve can do to nod even as his chest rises and falls faster than it should and it feels like every ounce air has been forced out of his lungs.

"I've got Zola and I've radio'd in with the others. They'll be along soon, are you going to be alright until then?" 

"I d-don't even have...he won't even get a f-funeral. I can't...I can't tell his mom. It's all my fault. I should've...all I had to do was hold on," Steve sobs and buries his head in his hands.

"I'll make sure that it's taken care of. Promise." Gabe's eyes are teary and Steve cannot meet them.

"I shoulda...shoulda went with him. H-he always waded in and s-saved me and he needed me but I couldn't..." His voice breaks mid sentence as sobs wrack his body once more until the room spins and he can't catch his breath.

"He wouldn't have wanted that. Tell you what we'll make every one of those sons-of-bitches pay," Gabe grits his teeth and curls his hands into fists until the nails cut against his palms. Of all the people to die it had to be Bucky. Everyone on base knew the depth of Steve's love for him - a love worth dying for. Where one went the other trailed behind - it felt wrong to see Steve's strong body quaking with pain and Bucky not being there to comfort him with a beloved memory that would make him smile. He'd did that more than once, Gabe noticed.

"I need to tell the others," Gabe forces himself to breathe calmly, to hide the pain in his voice. Steve does not hear him, he's inside of his own head replaying the nightmare over and over as another flood of tears covers his face and clouds his vision.

 _Kill me,_ Steve thinks. _Toss me to the mountains and watch as they embrace me and bury my body with snow until I'm numb._

Gabe steps away with radio in hand and eyes glued to Steve just in case he decides to end it all.

"Can you hear me?" The CB crackles with static as another voice answers "We can hear you just fine. Did you get Zola?" It is Dum Dum and his voice is hopeful. Gabe doesn't want to be the one to utter those heavy words but he must.

"We got him, yeah but we l-lost Bucky," the words sting on his tongue and his brain refuses to accept it.

There is static on the other end once more as Morita speaks - "You lost him?? How? What happened? Did you get him back?"

"He fell," Gabe whispers and it's loud enough still for Steve to hear. He screams a gut curdling sound - agony.

"Is Steve..." Morita cannot bring himself to ask. What if they both died? They were inseparable, those two. When they'd returned to base after the rescue Steve had followed Bucky to the medic tent and all but forced him to get his wounds tended and they'd spent every moment (when Steve's intell wasn't needed) at one anothers side as if they were terrified to let the other more than an arms length away. For that matter Steve had insisted on moving his cot into Bucky's tent stating that Bucky had did the same too many times to count. It would be there when they returned - an ever present reminder. Gabe contemplates telling the others to make sure it's removed before Steve can see it but he does not. That tent was there's alone.

"He's alive," Gabe eyes Steve and thinks _just barely._

"Jesus Christ...Jesus...," Dum Dum repeats on the other end.

"B-BUCKY! You have to let me go, he's waiting for me. You don't u-understand I PROMISED!," Steve storms over to the exposed wall and begins to climb out onto the railing with knees wobbling and hands shaking. Gabe drops the CB and rushes after him -

"He wouldn't want this, Steve!"

Steve cannot hear past the roaring in his ears, the sound of blood pounding in his veins. Gabe's voice is muddled as if he isn't there at all and maybe he isn't. Maybe Steve would wake up in a cold sweat and nudge Bucky until he woke up and told him (as he had many times before) _It's just a dream Stevie._ It does not happen. The nightmare continues. _Please I want to wake up, I'm begging!_

"Steve PLEASE!," Gabe pleads as he reaches a hand out and wouldn't it be poetic if Steve turned toward it and fell instead? _I deserve to die,_ he thinks. Still this is not what Bucky would want - he would lecture him for entertaining the thought of jumping if even for a minute. He stumbles back into the train car and slides down against the wall - wills his body to melt into it and wilt like a flower in the Winter because his sun is gone and hes never coming home.

Gabe retrieves the CB once more as Falsworth's voice bleeds through - "Hang tight, we're coming to you." It comes out soft and broken.

"Hurry," Gabe urges. He's not sure how long he can hold Steve off - talk him down from the metaphorical ledge.

By this point Steve is rocking back and forth and is past the point of crying - he takes on a hollow stare and eyes the hole where the trains wall once was, where Bucky was only moments before. He recalls pushing Bucky behind him to protect him and the sheer panic when a door sealed Bucky on one side and him on another. He'd pressed his face up against the cold glass and watched as Bucky fired one, two, three shots. When he could open the door at last his stomach dropped at the look on Bucky's face - a man who had been defeated and was ready to die. _Not today,_ he'd thought to himself. _Not today._

"I-I did this," he stammers.

"Don't go talking like that - you did everything you could," Gabe replies with a soothing tone that has a sharp edge to it. He's angry deep down in his bones but not at Steve - not at Bucky.

" 'is my fault, my fault, _my_ fault," Steve repeats as he begins to sob once more.

It's tearing Gabe's heart in two to see this strong man who could take on a whole fleet of Hydra agents crumble to pieces at his feet.

"H-he t-tried to save me and if I h-hadn't asked him to c-come with me..."

It is a lifetime and minutes before Stark flies in and collects the three of them. There is a smug look of satisfaction on Zola's face as he watches tears stream down Steve's face. Gabe wants to kill the man with his bare hands. They stop to pick up the other men and it feels strange to see Steve curled up in a seat by himself - all at once he appears smaller, fragile. Gabe can see now why Bucky had been so damn protective.

Dum Dum lowers his head and removes his hat out of respect, Dernier has tears in his eyes as he stares down at his feet, Morita chews on his lip anxiously and stares at Steve who doesn't seem to know what to do with his hands. He curls them into fists and grits his teeth as he glares at Zola. Zola does not flinch.

"I s-should kill you right here, n-no one would find your body," Steve threatens and shoots daggers at Zola.

"Let's let the Colonel deal with him. We need him to talk," Dum Dum is the voice of reason as the others are speechless and stricken with grief. He is a man who has buried loved ones before.

"YOU! You KILLED HIM! YOU TOOK HIM FROM ME!," Steve shrieks and lunges at Zola. He puts each hand on either side of Zola's seat and grips them tight, clenches and unclenches his fists. If Zola is feeling anything at all, he does not show it.

Dernier gently peels Steve's hands off of the seat and leads him back to his own.

"I got a half full bottle of the hard stuff that'll knock you off your feet for days," remarks Morita. Alcohol will numb the pain.

Dum Dum nods in unspoken agreement.

Howard is silent in the cock-pit and Gabe knows that he too is grieving. He was never close to Bucky but he was with Steve and Bucky was his best guy. Bucky Barnes was Steve's entire universe wrapped up in wit and sarcasm.

They arrive at base once more and Steve stumbles off of the plane, Morita attempts to help him but he pushes his hand away. There is no heroes welcome this time - no cheering crowds and wide smiles. There is only solemn faces and grief. Colonel Phillips strides in and reprehends Zola, grips his wrists tighter than necessary. Before he drags him away he turns toward the other men and points in the other direction - _Allow him the dignity of mourning in private._

Dum Dum gently pats Steve's back - now damp with sweat and grime - before leaving the room.

"If you stay in those clothes you're going to get sick," the colonel states. It's bitter cold outside and all too easy to contract pneumonia.

Steve's eyebrows are furrowed together - his lips drawn in a straight line, eyes puffy and red with a fire burning bright within them. He's livid. A memory hits him out of nowhere -

 _"What caused the fight this time Stevie?"_ Bucky dips a rag into warm water, presses it to a bleeding scrape on Steve's cheek.

 _"They tried to take my money,"_ Steve bites out.

_"You ever had someone take something from you Buck?"_

Bucky thinks for a moment - pausing with rag in hand. Steve can't help but notice his slender neck and a blue vein that pulses against it as he tilts his head to the side. Dark brown hair the color of chocolate in the sunshine tumbles across his forehead and Steve longs to run his fingers through it and pass it off as 'You had somethin' in your hair'.

_"I don't think so. I think I'd be mad though."_

 

Steve has never been good at sharing or accepting when he's defeated. Hydra has taken something from him, someone precious - his best friend, the person he'd pined over since childhood, his _everything._

"Captain Rogers?" Colonel Phillips stands in front of him with concerned eyes that are lined with age. He has lived a life, he has known loss more times than he can count. It never gets easier.

Steve jerks his head up, drifts back into the present with a knot in his throat. He cannot speak, he nods and makes his way back to his tent. He is met with pained eyes and slumped shoulders as he passes fellow soldiers. _They know. They all know. Of course they do. Just because I saw Bucky as only mine doesn't mean no one else loved him._

He nearly vomits when he pulls back the flap to reveal Bucky's messy cot with covers hanging off of the corners. It is side by side with his own - neatly made and clean. Bucky will not need his now - he will not need it ever again. Steve lays down in it and tugs the blanket over his head as his body shivers and it has nothing to do with the cold. He inhales deeply and commits the smell of Bucky's skin to memory. _For as long as I live I will never forget._

It's nearly nightfall when he emerges and finds a bottle of liquor outside of his tent - the blanket is soaked with tears and crumpled on the cot. Colonel Phillips gives him a sympathetic look and walks away with his head down. Steve walks the entire 30 miles to the bar where only days ago Bucky had sat at his side. They'd stayed there long past midnight as Bucky drank and with every shot he loosened up and relaxed. They'd made plans for the future - when this was all over Steve was going to take Peggy dancing and enroll in art school once more. Bucky would rest and take it easy - Steve insisted on it. He would tuck him into bed as Bucky had did to him many times and bring him warm milk to help him sleep.

It was all gone now, tumbled off of the train with Bucky and the rest of Steve's life.

The bar reeks of old cigarette smoke and ruin - the floor is riddled with broken furniture and bottles. Only a stool and a small table/chair remain. He tears up when the stool comes into view - Bucky had sat there not even 24hrs ago. He is losing him bit by bit - they do not warn you of this, life does not come with an instruction manual of how to not kill yourself when the one you have loved all your life dies. Soon his scent will fade from the thin pillow he used, what remains of his tattered clothing will rip and fall apart at the seams, the smell of his skin - fresh and clean on the day Steve lost him will cease to exist, his voice will merely stay behind as an echo and his laugh will never be heard again. Only his honor will remain - Steve will make damn sure of it.

No. They do not tell you this.

He locates a dirty shot glass and nearly empties the bottle in between crying jags when Peggy walks in. She should not be there - it isn't safe but Steve doesn't have the strength to protest. He glances up at her through blurry eyes and rubs his nose - red and slick from the force of his pain.

He sniffles and refills his glass - "Dr. Erskine said that the serum wouldn't just affect my muscles, it would affect my cells. Create a protective system of regeneration and healing. Which means I can't get drunk. Did you know that?" He loathes the serum right now, he'd do anything to go back in time and listen to Bucky. If he hadn't been an idiot he'd still be alive.

"Your metabolism burns four times faster than the average person. He thought it could be one of the side effects," she replies.

He wants to drink until his diseased mind numbs itself and does not remind him every three seconds that his best friend is never coming back. He will never make it home. He will never be properly put to rest. His mother will mourn and need closure but it will not come. Steve will not be able to meet her eyes.

"It's your wasn't fault. You did everything you could," she says quietly. Steve gets the feeling that he'll hear that phrase more often than not and no matter how many times it's repeated it doesn't make it a fact.

He scoffs - "Did you read the report?" Colonel Phillips hadn't wanted Steve to fill out the report right away but Steve had insisted and the words were smudged and squished together - barely legible. Writing it down made it real.

"Yes."

"Then you know that's not true."  He could have fought harder, protected Bucky better. Jesus Christ he had one job and he'd failed. Colonel Phillips was right when he had no faith in him. If he hadn't been knocked down Bucky wouldn't have picked up the shield and fired amongst cries of "Kill him!" He had died for Steve and that was something that he couldn't wrap his head around. Bucky was the smart one, the athletic one who loved life and followed him without question.  _I should have died instead,_ he thinks. 

 _Scream at me, smack my face until it stings, kill me. I do not deserve to live when he cannot._ _  
_

"Did you believe in your friend? Did you respect him?" She is calm and rational - she reminds him so much of Bucky that it hurts.

There is no need to answer - _of course_.  _I always have. And he, in turn, has always believed in me. I don't deserve him._

"Then stop blaming yourself. Allow Barnes the dignity of his choice. He damn well must have thought you were worth it." 

He allows the words to soak in and recalls how ragged and exhausted Bucky had appeared after the rescue, how he'd pasted on a smile when Steve came around after finishing his meetings, how he hadn't hesitated to tell Steve that he wasn't following this brawny man with a broad smile and generic catch phrases. No. He was following a scrawny kid who thought he could take on the world - he always had. The words had made Steve's heart swell in his chest with love. Not the kind of love that you can find in Hallmark cards or even the excitement of new love. This was the kind of love that took ages to ripen - the kind of love you'd take a bullet for. It went above and beyond devotion.

His mind drifts to an angry crimson skull and an exploding building. Bucky with fear in his eyes as passionate words tore their way out of his throat - _"No! NOT WITHOUT YOU!"_ Those words would haunt him for the rest of his days. He'd left Bucky in an icy grave. He had left him behind.

"I'm going after Schmidt. I'm not gonna stop until all of Hydra is dead or captured," underneath his seemingly calm exterior the walls were caving in on him, the pain giving way to anger. He did not want to kill people, never had. Not until they took Bucky from him. _I don't think so, I think I'd be mad though._

There is a stubborn honesty in her tone when she says - "You won't be alone."

She had only met Bucky twice - both times when he and Steve were together and yet she understood. Steve needed closure, needed more than she could offer.

She did not know that he did not plan to live after he was finished. One way or another he would go to Bucky - to the end of the line. _Meet me there._

Two fates wove together in the aftermath of a tragic incident - two lives lost to the icy waters. One by choice, one by accident.

It was Romeo drinking the poison after he thought his fair Juliet died because he couldn't bare to face this life without her by his side.

It was poetry, fate and death all wrapped up in a pretty package with both their names on it. It was determined one year prior as a folded newspaper with a train on the front passed from Bucky's hand to Steve's.

_Where are we going?_

_The future._

**Author's Note:**

> the line about someone taking something from you is from The Song of Achilles. I highly recommend it. the "all I had to do was hold on" and the paraphrased line about bucky wading in to save him is from the actual script - it got edited out. I was inspired by how Steve continued to hold onto the side of the train for longer than necessary and watched the snow from where the hole in the train was. it's there in the movie. I firmly believe that he did not have time to completely mourn - he went from sobbing to vengeance real quick so that when he comes out of the ice he mourns for two years and continues to blame himself for Bucky's death. also he has trouble sleeping and isolates himself whenever possible (WS). after bucky dies when he tries to get redskull not once but twice he's so angry that he's gritting his teeth and he doesn't care that hes risking his life with every maneuver. he doesn't even cry when he knows he's going to die and yet he sobbed when bucky did. the entire mission is a death sentence. there's no way he went into that expecting to survive. also confirmed in WS when he wants to die because bucky no longer knows him. then in AoU he tells tony that he's no longer the man who went down in the ice. and the train foreshadowing is so there - bucky passes the newspaper to steve (a train clearly on the front) stating that they're going to the future. the train will determine both their fates.


End file.
